Howard Stern on "Letterman": "I can't stand Jay"

Howard Stern appeared on "Late Show with David Letterman" Monday night -- his first appearance on the broadcast since Jan. 10, 2008, and his 19th sit-down on "Late Show" -- in an attempt to "beat this Conan." Here's his conversation with Dave:

Howard: I haven't been here in a long time. It feels like a lot of pressure to me, especially tonight, in light of what's going on in late night television. I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what's going on. This Conan O'Brien took over the Leno show. You heard about this.

Dave: Yes I did. I got a wire.

Howard: I'm backstage with your staff, and your staff says to me, "This is a big night, this is the night we think we're going to beat 'The Tonight Show,' and there's a lot of pressure." Nobody talks to you about this stuff, they talk to me. I'm sitting back there, my hands are shaking.

After a brief conversation about how Bruno's stunt on last week's MTV Awards, and how it was a rip-off of Howard's notorious Fartman appearance, Stern continued to discuss the late-night wars.

Howard: We've got to beat this Conan. I mean, for God's sake, how are you feeling that Jay left late night television and now we've got a new guy we've got to compete with? I want to say something to this audience about loyalty. Dave put me on national television many years ago, before I was known, and I have stuck with Dave. I didn't like Jay, I never liked Jay, I can't stand Jay. I've never seen anybody who behaves like a robot like this guy. I watched his final show, he says goodbye to 'The Tonight Show,' he's reading it off a teleprompter for crying out loud. Where's the emotion, where's the humanity? Here's the host that we want to watch.

Dave: Thank you, Howard. I appreciate that.

Howard: I went on this guy's show one time.

Dave: Who are we talking about now?

Howard: Jay Leno. I bring out two lesbians, right. I'm Howard Stern, I bring out two lesbians. He's shocked. He walked off his own show. I knew it wouldn't last. I had a feeling.

After some photos of his celebrity-studded wedding were shown, Stern chatted to Letterman about radio, which he called "a disgusting business." He described Rush Limbaugh as a "big blowhard fatso" who "gets on the air and says he wishes Obama ill. What kind of big bloated turd is this?"

Video of Stern's appearance can be found on the "Late Show" web site.